I was in love with her at least a little bit and she knew it
but I was polite enough to never say anything,
which may not have mattered to her
but sure as hell felt necessary to me.
I tried to stay out of her business
but so many days I saw her with tears in her eyes
that I had not put there—
and I wanted to rush over to her
and move a tear away with my thumb
and then brush my hand against her cheek,
gently rotating her face so that she was looking up at me
and I would tell her that it would be okay
and she would believe me.
One day I was eavesdropping on her
and I heard her say that she was hungry.
I made an excuse and made my way over to her and I asked
what her favorite kind of Girl Scout cookie was
and she looked gratified and confused and told me
and on my break I went and I got her a box
and I was too embarrassed to bother her to give it to her
so I got someone else to give her the cookies instead.
I got home and went into my room
and flicked my knife open with my right thumb.
I cut through thin plastic and cardboard
and sat down in my chair
thinking about the day.
I took a cookie from the packaging
and bit down.
I reveled in the crisp stolen pleasure
of finally knowing
what it was like to be something she adored.
but I was polite enough to never say anything,
which may not have mattered to her
but sure as hell felt necessary to me.
I tried to stay out of her business
but so many days I saw her with tears in her eyes
that I had not put there—
and I wanted to rush over to her
and move a tear away with my thumb
and then brush my hand against her cheek,
gently rotating her face so that she was looking up at me
and I would tell her that it would be okay
and she would believe me.
One day I was eavesdropping on her
and I heard her say that she was hungry.
I made an excuse and made my way over to her and I asked
what her favorite kind of Girl Scout cookie was
and she looked gratified and confused and told me
and on my break I went and I got her a box
and I was too embarrassed to bother her to give it to her
so I got someone else to give her the cookies instead.
I got home and went into my room
and flicked my knife open with my right thumb.
I cut through thin plastic and cardboard
and sat down in my chair
thinking about the day.
I took a cookie from the packaging
and bit down.
I reveled in the crisp stolen pleasure
of finally knowing
what it was like to be something she adored.
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